so, it’s my birthday tomorrow…

…and as we all know, that brings a level of introspection and life analysis unique only to one’s birthday. Unfortunately, the big 2-2 is not boding well for moi.

For a start, I use phrases like “moi”. Fault number 1. But, that’s minor compared to the rest.

Here lies a list of things I haven’t achieved (call it cynical, but the list of things I HAVE achieved was topped with “made some nice biscuits, burnt baking tray” so this list will be a bit more extensive).

* I have no money. I have earnt, accumatively, $69*,256.00 (according to my tax statements). I currently have $2,001.00. I received 2000 of those dollars a few days ago in my tax return. I’d really, really like to know where the other $67,256 is, cos I don’t have it, and I don’t have anything to show for it. I have a crappy car that my parents bought for me, some dubious linen and a cupboard half full of op shop clothes. Also I have headphones, they’re pretty good. And a small laptop. And, like, 5 or 6 DVDs. But taking aside christmas gifts, birthday presents etc, that does not account for all that money.
I wouldn’t mind if I’d had fun or whatever, but everything’s been kinda dull. Maybe someone’s stealing from me…yeah, that’s it.

* I have never held a job. I have had 21 (yes, 21) separate jobs, two of which I have left on good terms. The rest I sort of just…stopped turning up when I got bored.

* I’m not even close to a degree. Maybe that’s where all my money went, the four separate degrees I have attempted and not completed. It’d be nice if compiling all the effort I put in to all of them meant something, but unfortunately “Oh yeah, I did a year of Archaeology” doesn’t count for much in the real world.

* my friends all hate me . Not even kidding.

On the upside, I have my pen license, can make cheesecake and graduated most of high school (I still have an outstanding P.E assignment from year 10, maybe that’s why no one will hire me?)

Advice accepted.

* lol, 69.

The Centrelink Life…

So, a few people have messaged me and asked me to write something new. To the like, five of you who will read this, this is for y’all.

I haven’t written anything new because, honestly, nothing’s happened to me. I got a job in Melbourne, moved up there for 2 months and missed my boyfriend too much so I moved back to Traralgon. So, essentially, I’m right back where I started in life. Unemployed, not at school and, quite frankly, a bit fucking useless!

However, I realised today that the things I do to entertain myself through the long, hard days of not working could be of interest to, well, probably no one, but you douchebags won’t get off my back, so here goes with the meandering I’ve done to entertain myself through the centrelink life.

* Gone “down the street” in Traralgon every day consecutively, just to grab a glance at the weird autistic guy who hangs out there. I laughed at him for a bit then realised we’re in pretty much the same position, except I’m less (well, a bit less) retarded.*

* Made a house of cards then deliberately got my cat to knock it over, yelled at it and smacked it then make the house all over again.

* Developed what the doctor calls a “stress headache”, although I don’t know how stressful watching Reno 911 on DVD and eating Peanut Butter straight from the jar is.

* Eaten no less than four (4) jars of peanut butter in one (1) week.

* Watching every single episode of COPS, from start to finish.

* Terrorised the local retard community.

* Terrorised an unliked neighbour, by driving past their house and beeping and yelling at all hours of the day.**

* Terrorised local teens by driving past, beeping and yelling out “NERD”. If they’re in school uniform, I yell “What school do you go to, dickhead?”. They don’t like it.

* Dressed my cat up as a Period-Style Merchant. He did not like this. Not. At. All.

* One time, I slept for over 24 hours. I’m not even kidding.

I need a job. Except I’d be too lazy to show up.

*No seriously, he’s actually retarded and I’m pretty sure I’m OK on that front, so I have that over him.

**Actually, not all hours of the day. Just very late at night. Sucker.