got milk?

No, but I do got some tickets to the Smash Mouth!

I’d love to take credit for any of these amazing works of poetic genius, but they come from a mind far, far more crazed than my own.

These are the sickest of the things talked about this weekend

“If you guys don’t tell me what you’re laughing at I’m going to send you a parcel containing one very angry bee. What is the bee angry about? I put him in a box 2 weeks ago and I’ve just been shaking him and yelling really loudly at him. Also, recession.”

“Oprah? OPRAH? WHAT’S THE POINT OF HER? She doesn’t even have any skills! She can’t even rap!”

“Oprah’s suss. She’s fucking suss man. She’s going to rile up all the bored housewives of America and eventually they’ll just fucking march an army of them and take over Washington DC. You gotta watch out for Oprah and her feminist army”

“Getting drunk is so fucking GAY! It’s like *blerrrgh* hi *bleeeeergh* you’re really hot can I ask you out on a date *blerrrgh*”

“What the fuck is with girls calling themselves TRASHBAGS? I doubt that was, like, a feminist term or something. It pretty much just means at some point you’ve been in a bin*. Sorry, trashbags, I won’t pick you up cos I’M NOT A BIN SCAB”

*Being in a bin is often referred to as “The Ultimate Diss”. Basically, a person is invited to a party, where the hosts proceed to get the person so messed up that they pass out. They then place the person in the bin, and they wake up in the tip.

“People like me should be put down at birth. We’re a menace to society”

“That’s why the Nazi Party took off. Cos it was the Nazi PAAARTAAAAYY! There ain’t no party like a Nazi party cos a Nazi party don’t stop (til 6 million)”

“You can’t spell asbestos without BEST!”

“I wonder about zombies that died of lung cancer. I reckon they’d cough a lot. They wouldn’t kill you, just generally be unpleasant to be around”

“Wouldn’t that be the best practical joke, just filling someone’s pillow with asbestos and then in 20 years, when they’re dying, be like “APRIL FOOLS, CLASS OF 1979! YOU GOT PUNK’D! PSYYYYCHHEEE! LOL!”

“I’m just trying to think of an insulting word, and all I can think of is vulva”

“Here’s my theory: Didn’t the Jews kill Jesus? Then he came back as Hitler to exact his revenge. When America fucked Germany up in the war, he came back as Osama Bin Laden. Jesus is baaad-ass”

“Lets remake The Ring. But instead of the normal video, make it Patch Adams”

“Don’t you ever do that? Just walk around telling “IM THE KING OF THE HOMOS!” just cos?”

And my personal favourite, not so much a quote but the best way to start a sentence

“So, anyway, Phil was jacking off this Chihuahua…”