got milk?

No, but I do got some tickets to the Smash Mouth!

I’d love to take credit for any of these amazing works of poetic genius, but they come from a mind far, far more crazed than my own.

These are the sickest of the things talked about this weekend

“If you guys don’t tell me what you’re laughing at I’m going to send you a parcel containing one very angry bee. What is the bee angry about? I put him in a box 2 weeks ago and I’ve just been shaking him and yelling really loudly at him. Also, recession.”

“Oprah? OPRAH? WHAT’S THE POINT OF HER? She doesn’t even have any skills! She can’t even rap!”

“Oprah’s suss. She’s fucking suss man. She’s going to rile up all the bored housewives of America and eventually they’ll just fucking march an army of them and take over Washington DC. You gotta watch out for Oprah and her feminist army”

“Getting drunk is so fucking GAY! It’s like *blerrrgh* hi *bleeeeergh* you’re really hot can I ask you out on a date *blerrrgh*”

“What the fuck is with girls calling themselves TRASHBAGS? I doubt that was, like, a feminist term or something. It pretty much just means at some point you’ve been in a bin*. Sorry, trashbags, I won’t pick you up cos I’M NOT A BIN SCAB”

*Being in a bin is often referred to as “The Ultimate Diss”. Basically, a person is invited to a party, where the hosts proceed to get the person so messed up that they pass out. They then place the person in the bin, and they wake up in the tip.

“People like me should be put down at birth. We’re a menace to society”

“That’s why the Nazi Party took off. Cos it was the Nazi PAAARTAAAAYY! There ain’t no party like a Nazi party cos a Nazi party don’t stop (til 6 million)”

“You can’t spell asbestos without BEST!”

“I wonder about zombies that died of lung cancer. I reckon they’d cough a lot. They wouldn’t kill you, just generally be unpleasant to be around”

“Wouldn’t that be the best practical joke, just filling someone’s pillow with asbestos and then in 20 years, when they’re dying, be like “APRIL FOOLS, CLASS OF 1979! YOU GOT PUNK’D! PSYYYYCHHEEE! LOL!”

“I’m just trying to think of an insulting word, and all I can think of is vulva”

“Here’s my theory: Didn’t the Jews kill Jesus? Then he came back as Hitler to exact his revenge. When America fucked Germany up in the war, he came back as Osama Bin Laden. Jesus is baaad-ass”

“Lets remake The Ring. But instead of the normal video, make it Patch Adams”

“Don’t you ever do that? Just walk around telling “IM THE KING OF THE HOMOS!” just cos?”

And my personal favourite, not so much a quote but the best way to start a sentence

“So, anyway, Phil was jacking off this Chihuahua…”

i just wanted some sushi…

…not for the owner of sushi noodle town to yell at me.

here are some things I overheard at uni this week

“what is this place I’ve never seen this in my life” “it’s the fuckin’ library bro” “oh…”

“oh my god seriously that guy is so shit I hate him. he talks about people behind their backs all the time. I HATE it when people talk about other people behind their backs, he’s such a cunt”

“he was like, so premature all the time. When he dumped me I was like ‘that’s fine because you’re terrible at sex’. I’d still date him again though”

“he programmed my number in to his phone under the name ‘sexy ho’ so that’s what comes up when I call him. i really want to go out with him”

“oi nah, like, the world wars were good cos like, germany got all their aggression out. If they didn’t do it then they’d be totally insane by now”

“this bitch fainted on the train today and we got held up for like an hour. Seriously, if you know you’re going to be sick don’t go on the fucking train when I need to get to uni”
“yeah I know some people are so selfish”*

“uni is just something to do until I can go full time at work, then I’ll just do that for my career” “where do you work?” “mcdonalds”

I am going to murder someone

*there was not a hint of irony in this statement

i was wondering…

…do horses get dandruff? that would be annoying for them because they have heaps of hair.
anyway

here is a list of things i have learnt you shouldn’t do or say* because people will get so mad at you and/or you will embarrass yourself

- never tell a woman that she “looks like a lady hobbit” even if it is entirely the truth. they find this offensive

don’t follow this up with “oh, not like an ugly one, like a pretty lady hobbit“. this is perhaps more offensive

- never use mistletoe as an excuse to french someone without hesitating. no matter how much you want to. it comes across as weird and lonely. i know this now

- never joke about “cutting yourself” to someone who looks like they might actually cut themselves, because they may reveal that they do partake in cuttage. you will offend them with your implications that it might be weird and you will look like an insensitive bumhole

- never eat food off the ground in public no matter how sure you are that people aren’t looking because someone probably is and you will look homeless, or just dirty. common etiquette dictates that there is no 30 second rule outside of the home**

- never admit to people you have just met that you have played world of warcraft. you will go from being cool and quirky to sweaty and weird. i know this now

- never tell someone who might be religious that “people who believe that are twats, seriously, idiots” and things like that, at length, for several minutes. this is offensive to people who like god and believe those things. they will think you’re a cunt

- never give a person a nickname without first gauging their personality. for example, perhaps calling a 60 year old lecturer (who is quite serious) “soupz” is not as funny as you think it is. he will look at you like you are quite stuipid and everyone in your class will think you’re a cunt

just do the opposite of what your brain tells you to do, and you will be ok***

*even if you really, extra want to

**i will reveal that full story one day. it is yucky

*** this perhaps only applies if you have my brain, which you don’t. you’re probably ok at not saying these things

i’m nearly 22…

…so when am I going to get my life manual on how to be elegant and suave?

aren’t grown ups supposed to drink expensive wine at dinner parties and make pithy comments about current affairs and have everyone laugh at how cool and elegant they are?

not drink passion pop at 11am* and still have their mum do their washing

and still think dragons might be real

here are embarrassing things I have done in the past week

i went to uni for my first class of the year and decided to drive. i tried to parallell park but im not very good at it and i hit the curb about 8 times. i then realised an entire bus of my fellow students was watching me. i consoled myself with the knowledge that they were catching a fucking bus

i thought i looked really cute and elegant today and then i realised i had mascara smudged all down the side of my face. the petrol station attendant kindly pointed it out. he did so by pointing and laughing. i thought that wasn’t necessary.

i rode home on rollerblades the other day. i thought i looked totally cute and sporty. a really lovely looking boy was walking towards me so i decided to do a heaps mad spin trick. i fell over and grazed my knee. he kept walking while biting his lip (presumably trying not to laugh at me) and i cried a bit because it hurt**

i went out to a bar with a person. i hoped to totally pash someone. i realised at the end of the night that 1) my cardigan was inside out and 2) i had left part of my face mask on at the top.

also when i drove to uni, i was singing to La Roux obscenely loudly whilst stopped at a traffic light. i was doing microphone actions and everything. my window was open and the boy that sits next to me in employment law was looking at me like i was a complete loser. i am never going to pash him now

*i like passion pop. it’s like something a vietnam veteran would drink to console themselves

**lucky i was wearing my heaps mad stack hat

i am really, really going to die alone

sibling rivalry

so i hung out with my sister a bit today

she’s probably the funniest person ever

here are some things she said

“and so I said to him, punch me in the tits again and I’ll fucking kill you”

“your face looks sloppy…well, sloppier than usual”

“that’s a nice top. well, not nice. kinda ugly actually. but you know, you don’t say that do you”

“i picked up an old mans sunglasses that he dropped the other day. then he offered me an easter egg. i took it but i think he might have laced it with drugs”

“i remember her. she was always offering me icypoles. i think they had rohypnol in them or something”

“if i buy fake tan, can i pay in fake money?”

she’s pretty good.

i want to make her really small and keep her in my pocket so she can say funny things to me all day.

reveal to me your child’s poundage!

a bunch of people I know just had babies

good work guys!

I don’t like babies that much

they’re alright, they’re just a bit…you know

one thing I don’t understand when people have babies is why they make a point of telling everyone the weight

Ii don’t walk around saying “oh hey I’m alex, I weigh 100 pounds”. cos I don’t think anyone gives a fuck.

is it a competition? is the rule that the bigger it is the more buff the mum is for pushing it out of herself?

does a ten pound baby mean you have a heaps rad vag?

and seven pounds means your vag is average at best?

and it’s not like I ask them about the babies weight

its not like im going “oh my god! I must know the weight! REVEAL TO ME THE BOY-CHILD’S POUNDAGE!”

mostly I just say “oh cool, baby. I have to go now though”

I don’t understand

i have a mild stalking complex

once I had a boyfriend, he was cool

I went to visit him once, when we hadn’t been dating that long

I got there before he got home from work and his mum let me in

I thought it would be funny to hide under his bed and scare him

he walked in and before I could jump out, he started getting changed

then I got stuck and couldn’t jump out

I didn’t want to say anything because it was slightly too late to be surprising, and got to a point where it would be weird if I crawled out

then it got to about 10 minutes later and he thought I hadn’t showed up

so he rang me

and my phone went off

and he heard it

and I had to crawl out and explain why I’d been under his bed, watching him get changed. for 10 minutes

and why I’d had to take my shirt off in order to get unstuck

I don’t know why he kept dating me.

sunday afternoon

I have decided that Sunday afternoon will be the time when I will write down all the weird things that have happened to me in the week. So here.

On Monday, a customer at work gave me a hug and kissed my chin. She was sweating profusely and smelled like fried rice.

On Tuesday, a homeless man asked me for a cigarette and when I said they were menthol, swore at me and ran away.

On Wednesday, I went in to a lecture and started talking to the lecturer, who is an old lawyer in a big suit. He told me his son was lovely “if a bit too quiet” and if I wanted, I could meet him. Then he said that he had changed his ringtone to an AC/DC song. He couldn’t remember the song, so he sung it quite loudly quite close to my face. I was scared and confused.*

On Thursday, I went home and found a cat sitting on my letterbox. When I tried to pat it, it made a squealing sound, but didn’t run away. It is still lurking there. I do not want to approach it.

On Friday, I went out for breakfast, alone, and a middle aged lady sat at my two-person table. She ordered and everything. She didn’t say anything to me but kept giving me knowing looks. She ate and then left. I felt like we had an intimate breakfast.

On Saturday, I ate black bean stir fry in my bed, and spilled it everywhere. I put it all back in the bowl and ate it.

Today, someone came to my house and I had to say “oh, it’s nothing weird, it’s just black bean sauce”

I still haven’t changed my sheets because they smell like delicious black bean sauce.

*it was Thunderstruck

a perfect example…

…of exactly why you should take a lot of drugs.

i have never seen an ad so obviously made by people on drugs.

while we’re here, this is a real, unironic ad for a credit company. so perfect i think i might poo.

you don’t want to date me

In the past six or so months, I have re entered the cold, harsh world of dating. I’m not very good at it. Here’s why.

Things I have done to make boys like me/pay attention to me/get laid

(Note: this could also fall under the remit of “Things I do that make me a bad person”)

Left things at their houses so they have to see me again.

Made them feel fat so they think they can’t do any better

One time I went to a boys house, where he said we’d “watch a movie”, which I thought was code for “make out and get naked”. Unfortunately, he just wanted to watch a war movie, and I had to pretend to like it so it wasn’t too obvious I’d just come over to get laid.

Once, I rearranged the furniture in my house when I knew a boy was coming to visit, so when he walked up the driveway he would see me playing piano, and think I was super talented. At that point, however, I only knew two or three real songs, and he was 45 minutes late. “Oh hey, that sounded good! …are your knuckles bleeding? Why is the couch in the middle of the room?”*

*I still count this as a win because he thought I was really good at piano for the duration of that relationship

Rehearsed conversations so as to seem witty/smart/funny. Note, this technique DOES NOT WORK unless you’re confident of the topics of conversation beforehand. I learnt this the hard, awkward, fumbling way.

Sighed and said “maybe I’ll just go lesbian” to make them feel really inadequate

Went to an abstract expressionist art gallery in the hope of making out with one of the artists who I thought was cool and funny. He just wanted to look at the art, and I spent the entire evening trying to seem like I understood it.

I’m going to die alone.